Diving into what's left behind

I have not write in a while. Specifically in blogs such as this. I used to rely on overwhelming feelings, heavy thoughts and situations to come as waves to push me into writing. 

Now? It is still the same but I could only write in an empty book that I always carry around wherever I go, just in case. But it's still different to be compared with what I wrote in personal blogs before.

First blog was named atarashi ijinsei which loosely translated as 'Fresh human life'. It was loosely written from year 2011 up until 2014, which is not very long. I was 18 to early 20's that time now that I think about it. Yet, based on the title of the blog website and the things I wrote, It was so much of inner turmoil that kept hoping I keep myself alive, yet I blame myself for not being alive enough, spiritually, physically and socially. It is so ironic how I could put both hope and hate at the same time in myself back then. It is so interesting to reflect from the point of view of my future self (the current me), its so different how our mind works. Of course, there's so much factors behind as to why is that. Back then, I was still in search of understanding as to why I don't work similarly to others around me whom are filled with passion, positivity, hope and light, literally and symbolically. That was why I was questioning myself as to why I don't fit in. We all go through that phase, huh?

Then I have another blog made which is called melancholically phlegmatic; Only filled with three posts in the year when pandemic hits the world. Which also filled with similar expressive writing about the internal battle I still go through several years later, but with existentialism in the age of twenty six; mid-20's. 

What a decade.

A decade has passed by just like that. 

I was deep in the water, had to learn to swim with the numbness, thought of giving up living many times, yet God-willed I was able to go through it all and now I'm up and out of the water swimming my whole life, feeling the oxygen filling in my lungs for the first time. 

I could not reach here if it wasn't for my past self whom did not loose hope, even if it seems such a small effort in keeping me alive, I am alive and well now, thanks to her and My Creator who fulfilled that prayer.